the “c” word…

My blog has a eerie way of foreshadowing life-changing events in my life.  Yes, it is important to take notice of those around you that are healthy today…because tomorrow you could be sitting in the DMV ticked off at the clerk because they won’t let you get a license without your passport (WTF), when you get the call.
The one that has a blubbering, hysterically crying woman on the other end that you think is about to tell you that your ill Grandpa has passed away but instead slaps you in the face with words like Cancer, Radiation, and Chemotherapy.  And you know in that moment that things will never go back to the way they were just 5 minutes before because you now know your Step-Dad has Colon Cancer.

Last week was my Uncle’s funeral who died from Throat Cancer…he is the 3rd person in my family to die from it.  Since we’ve been back to the States, I’ve lost 2 family members and the woman who ultimately introduced me to my Husband to Cancer.  Dear life: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

We won’t know how bad it is until Monday as he is having a bone scan and x-rays done today.  He’s been having bad hip pain for a while and there is concern that it has reached his bones.  All of this comes with their 19th wedding anniversary on the 26th.  Great gift, eh?  There’s already talk about who’s going to be taking care of him after surgery, how he’s going to get to Dr. appointments, and so on and it’s all just coming so ridiculously fast to someone that would rather just pretend none of it is happening.

Between my parents and my Grandparents there is just a lot going on in my family at the moment that is going to greatly impact my little family’s life now, and in the future.  So many “What if’s”.  What is his quality of life going to be like if he beats it?  What if he doesn’t make it?  What will happen to my Mom who will  soon be left with me and my family as her only living relatives?  And selfish or not, I can’t help but think is this going to doom us into staying in a country that we don’t want to live in?

So, when people think that I am crazy because I want to buy organic food, avoid cancer-causing agents, use natural cleaning products, or whatever other crazy lengths I will go to protect my family, THIS IS WHY.

 

 

today we are healthy

My kid is healthy.  Are there 4 more important words in the world?  It is easy to forget what things could be like when you have a healthy child.  You find other things to worry about like bills and what you are going to cook for dinner.  In my life, I have watched a 16-month-old baby boy’s casket be lowered into the ground.  I’ve watched little bodies lose fights against cancer.  I’ve read stories about brain tumors, down syndrome, and a countless other health problems I CAN NOT IMAGINE my child going through.  A handful of my high school class mates have lost their babies anywhere from 1 month old to a year old.  I remind myself everyday to be thankful for the health of my little girl because that is all that is important in this world.  My student loan can wait.  Dinner can wait.  These precious moments with my girl can’t.  I remind myself of this as I climb into my baby’s crib at 3am because she wants to play and explore instead of sleep.

I came across a quote today “ I hope my children look back on today And remember a mother who had time for play. There will be years for cleaning and cooking ‘Cause children grow up when we’re not looking.“

So many times I go over in my head how I wished I spent more time with my Brother when he was alive.  I wish we had made so many more memories than I have of him.  It is important to me that I make memories — real, true memories — with those that matter the most.  I know that years from now Tanami isn’t going to remember how I would build a fort for her in the living room on rainy days.  She isn’t going to recall the time I looked at her tear stained face and decided to leave the dishes in the sink and take her to play on the swings instead.  She won’t, but I will.  My child is healthy…today.  That doesn’t mean she is going to wake up tomorrow in the same condition.  It’s easy to think that bad things can’t happen to you or your family.  But bad things seem to follow us around like a dark cloud over my family…and for once I want to be one step ahead.

I never want to be that parent that puts their work before their family.  If the words “There isn’t time” fall out of my mouth in response to a request from my girl I hope they are used so sparingly.  I hope that I always remember that the time I spend with my family is worth more than any paid bill, happy client, or clean house any day of the week.  Today, my family is healthy, and I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.

hand-made valentine’s day

Origami hearts with secret messages left on bedside tables

Candi-Chocolate dipped strawberries

White cake with strawberry frosting and paper heart bunting

Paper Wreath

Hidden hand-stitched felt hearts

A collage video from the husband

A lunch-break picnic dinner break

happy.

In the States, I would consider my whole “natural mothering” philosophy to be a bit out of the norm.  I generally only feel this way because I don’t know a single person who practices the same things as we do.  I know, I know…there are a million reasons why people can’t, don’t, or won’t…and to each their own. I am VERY blessed to be able to follow my heart and do things the way I want.  Sometimes though, that leaves people looking at me like I have 4 heads.  Until Friday morning that is.  On Friday mornings I pry the sleeping little girl out of her daddy’s arms (they are so cute all cuddled together in bed), and make the short 5 or so minute drive to the local library for Books n’ Babies.  Tanami loves it!  This kid is a social butterfly.  She crawls all over other Momma’s and pats babies heads.  I’m glad she is so friendly and not one of those clingy babies…though I hope she doesn’t jump in a car with a stranger some day.  Last Friday Tanami decided she’d get on all 4′s and do a little dance while the music was playing which evoked some cute-sy comments from some of the other ladies.  We got to talking and what do you know…they are natural momma’s too!  Two thumbs up for natural birthing, cloth-diapering, amber-teething-necklace-wearing baby’s mommas!  It was SO good to meet some people who share the same views right her in my backwoods town.  It left me in a wonderful mood, and was a great beginning to the weekend.  I love all of my traditional mommy friends (which I don’t actually have very many of to begin with)…but sometimes it’s just nice to find people who think along the same lines as you!

Speaking of thinking along the same lines…I’ve just gotten bit by the pinterest bug.  Holy time-wasters batman!  How have I not known about this site before?  AMAZING.  I think I may have to trade out Facebook for Pinterest.  You know, my internet time is limited these days.  So many wonderful ideas.  I’ve now come across a way to garden on my patio in containers, like I had just been talking about the other day.  I’ve seen ideas for how to grow herbs out of mason jars, and how to make your own castile soap.  Projects for Tanami’s first birthday, and special hand-made gift ideas….my, oh my….I even dreamt about it last night.  The possibilities are endless.  I’m gearing up for my big spring project which will be to start the container garden.  I am so excited about it!  I’m going to be partnering with my parents a bit because they know a lot more about gardening than I do…but it will be good — and organic.  I’m thinking herbs, potatoes, strawberries, and tomatoes.  Corn & bell peppers are usually something my parents plant and have a lot of.  I’d like to grow lettuce too, but I just don’t think it will be very cost effective.  In the mean time, I’ve found some organic brands that the local Walmart carries, and I’ve contacted them for coupons.  Yay.

Things have been going very well the last few days.  Thursday I had a GREAT meeting with the President of an Art college in Franklin which is going to lead to some really good opportunities with my business in March – very excited about that.  We also unexpectedly sold the Mustang which we had kind of just decided to suffer with since we didn’t have much interest.  So this weekend we were on the hunt for a replacement and the winner was a silver 2000 Nissan Altima.  I’m  pretty happy with it, and hopefully it won’t leave us stranded on the side of the road any time soon.

Sometimes it seems like I am always waiting for something to happen so that I can start to enjoy life.  I was waiting until we came back to the States so we’d have a bigger place to live and possibly a house, and then waiting to be able to go back to Australia, and waiting to pay off this loan.  I’ve come to realize, you are always going to be waiting for something.  And once that something comes, there will always be another something to fill in it’s hole.  So I’ve started to slow down and appreciate the day for what it is…and stop worrying about what things will be like when we get whatever it is we are waiting for.  It’s amazing how much happier you can be when you stop waiting and start living.

how we do it.

I seem to be on a money theme lately.  It always has me dumbfounded that people have no control over their money.  I watch shows on television where people talk about how they can’t budget, etc.  I don’t understand why simple 4th grade math is a problem for a grown adult?  I suppose being responsible is the main culprit.  I listen to people on finance radio shows calling in complaining about how they can’t get rid of their $20K-30K debt when they are making $50K-75K/yr.  What is wrong with this picture?  GIVE ME A BREAK PEOPLE.

Debt is overwhelming.  It isn’t going to go anywhere any time soon if you continue to live the way you are living.  I suppose the first step is to decide whether or not you mind being in debt.  For me, I find it suffocating.  Not a day goes by that I am not cursing my *at the moment* useless design degree, and the worrisome debt it has brought.  Once we decided we just can’t live with the debt, we came up with a goal and a plan to make that goal happen.  In order to be successful, it’s a good idea to set a realistic goal, and alter that goal along the way if needed.

Our goal was to be debt free in 4 years.  Our plan was to put one income towards the loan, and live off the other.  We would live like poor college kids until it was paid off.  This plan worked perfectly for us.  We weren’t millionaires.  When we started, Mat made about $32-34K/yr. and I made $34K.

We sacrificed – because you HAVE to.  We downsized our apartment.  We didn’t go out/eat out/or spend money on recreation.  We stayed home and played the XBox and board games we already had.  We didn’t have any “extras”.  We made sure not to create bills.  However, we still lived a pretty good life in our eyes.

When we lived in Australia, Mat made about $48K/yr., and I made $42K.  Our bills in Australia added up to similar to what we were spending in America, with a few exceptions like car registration.  We were able to pay a lot on the loan and our savings account.  We took advantage of all the free stuff to do, and continued our same lifestyle from the States.

We still have about $47K left on the student loan…but now we have a baby.  Tanami doesn’t really cost us much.  Cloth diapers save us a ton.  I haven’t even used 1/4 of the detergent we bought when we first got here.  She doesn’t drink formula.  We buy good quality 2nd hand clothes and toys.  She eats what we eat.  So the cost for her is very minimal.  The main difference is that our priorities have changed.

Debt is debt.  It doesn’t need it’s Momma.  It doesn’t need someone to teach it about life, or touch it’s Momma’s face while it’s being rocked to sleep for a nap.  There’s no fear that someone will murder it if it’s left at a baby-sitter (not an irrational fear since this has already happened before in my family).  No one cares if they miss out on debt’s milestones.  Debt doesn’t need me — but Tanami does.  So for the time being, the loan is on the back burner.  We have no altered the way we live…we still live healthy and frugal.  We are laying the ground work for a brighter future.

Mat has had to start all over without a student base.  It takes a long time to start making money in this profession.  This weekend we spent the Super Bowl at his boss’s house…or should I say mansion?  This place was a palace.  And to think…he had gone bankrupt and lost everything at 40…now he’s doing incredibly well for himself.  He’s helping to groom Mat for owning a studio.  He actually told me one of the reasons he hired Mat was because of our accomplishment of paying so much on the loan as he doesn’t typically “hire from the outside”.  Whoohoo, something positive from our debt!  Anyway, it gave us motivation to see what could be if we do things the right way….and we’ll get there.  There are no unrealistic goals, only unrealistic time frames.

So for now, it’s important for me to be home with Tanami.  I’m still working to build my business, and doing some call-marketing for the studio from home.  I’m enjoying every moment I get with the girl.  Every day I apply for interior design jobs all over the country.  Every day I hear nothing back other than I am not qualified or they are not hiring.  Whatever.  We do what we have to.

At the moment, we still have our down payment for a house in savings.  We are still trying to move forward with the duplex because it would save us the cost of rent and even cover some of our utilities.  We still have some savings on top of that…but I don’t know how long we will have that as we are not putting anything towards it at the moment.  So what’s our budget look like at the moment?  Well…pretty cruddy.

2006.00 – Mat’s bring home  (Base pay – this will increase as he gets students and becomes commission only)

585 – rent

85 – electric

35 – water

28 – car insurance

315 – gas

63 – Home Internet/phone/cable     *We had to get the cable to get internet, it was the cheapest option for home internet in my area*

27 – Work cell phone

550 – minimum student loan payment

300 – grocery (realistically, we just can’t meet the $250 goal)

And that leaves $18 unaccounted for, we ends up going to Mat’s cigarettes.  Along with about $45 more dollars a month.  Whatever money I make from J.Hilburn gets thrown in as well…but I’ve only made about $485 since starting…so it’s not very much.  And even less since most of that commission was because someone had given me those sales.

As you can see…there is absolutely nothing left over.  Even if Mat’s job did offer Health insurance, we couldn’t afford it at the moment.  I have just went to turn in the paperwork to allow us to get Tanami on gov’t health insurance.  I don’t know whether we will get approved or not because we have so much in savings for the down payment on the house.  I will try again after we purchase the house if we get denied though.  So at the moment, we are obviously struggling.  This is one reason why it is so difficult to give up my Australian life.  Even though we would still be making less there with me not working, we didn’t have healthcare to worry about and you would be getting a family allowance from the gov’t as well.

There is absolutely no interior design work here.  It’s pointless for me to go get a $8-9/hr paying job so that I can basically just be paying to drive to/from work and put Tanami in daycare.  For us, it’s more important for me to just be home with her until I find a job worth making a career out of.  It’s another sacrifice we are willing to make.

The thing is…whether we have $0 left at the end of the month, or $500 left…we are still equally as happy.  Sometimes it is rough and we both get down in the dumps thinking about what we don’t have…but what we don’t have is nothing compared to what we do.  I have an amazing husband that comes home to me every night.  We talk, we laugh, and we appreciate each other.  I have a beautiful, smart, amazing little girl that has learned to give the tightest little bear hugs.  I have a car that gets me there, a roof over my head (and a place we are really happy in).  I have clothes, food, and a smokin’ hot body even after having a baby  We’ve come to expect life’s curve balls…it’s the straight ones we have to be worried about.

“So don’t you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine, and life makes love look hard.  The stakes are high.  The water’s rough. But this love is ours.”