the good, the bad, and the creepy

It’s amazing how you can have a hum-drum couple of days and then out of nowhere a massive amount go on in the span of half an hour.  So a couple of tid bits to share…

First: My Mother is back home safely with my grandparents.  My Granny has really deteriorated mentally and they had to take her straight to the nursing home in TN.  Apparently she was yelling and begging them not to leave her as they walked out….which really breaks everyone’s heart.  I volunteered to take care of her when we got back as I know that they can’t really afford the nursing home…but my Mom told me to assess it when I come back because she thinks she may be a bit too far gone for me to handle.  I think it would be great just to have her there for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but even that may not happen.  We shall see.  Anyway, it is good to have my Mom back home as I had not talked to her in over a month.  Now I’ve also got the added bonus of being able to talk to my Grandpa on Skype, which I am super excited about and currently have a skype date at 9:30am.

Now, on to the good news….Mat’s Green Card is here!!  Well, technically it’s in TN, but at any rate he is now a permanent resident for the next ten years.  Two years after we get back he can sit for his citizenship.  So yay.  Though its a little bit sad that now I know we have to leave.  Well, another thing to mark off the “List of things to worry about”.

And finally…for the little bit creepy…I’ve stumbled upon a psychic…or a few psychics actually on this parenting forum (so it’s just for fun).  I asked two questions.  One was about my Brother and one was about my student loan and whether we’d ever pay it off or have help with it.

I have a massive student loan debt that we are working really hard at paying off…do you know if we will stumble upon any help with this and if we will be successful at paying it as planned?

I am really feeling the stress and anxiety over this student loan debt I’m sensing there will be help from an older male in relation to paying it, I do not feel this will be a gift of money but more help in relation to a loan. He has a very financial feel to him and I’m seeing him in a suit. I feel with his help you will be able to pay it off as planned.

My question about my brother was pretty long….and I had several responses to it.  Basically I asked what he wanted to tell me from the text message he sent, whether his death was really an accident, and if he was looking after me.  Also about a dream I had before his funeral about a white light behind a bedroom door.  These are some of the responses I got:

I’m fairly new to tuning into things, however I couldn’t help but to reply. When I saw the title of the post and then you know how you hover your mouse and can see the first bit of the message? Well I quite clearly got a sense of sadness (not your sadness) and had to keep reading. 
I feel that your brother was feeling very sad about something that had happened or been said to him earlier that day, possibly work related, and wanted to talk to you about it but when he found out you were at work he tried to brush it off so as to not worry you. I do however also feel his death was an accident, that he took extra pills (after someone else once told him they did this) hoping to block out what was going through his head. He thought after a good sleep he would be able to take another look at what was bothering him.
I also feel that the bright light and things you felt were meant to comfort you and to let you know it’s not your fault, he wanted to show you he is happy now but of course it wasn’t your time so you were not able to see what was beyond that door. I think the person you are feeling is an older woman though.

I’m sensing he loved cars, I’m being shown a red race car and he’s using his arm to ask me to join him in the car. He does feel like a very lovely soul but he craved company and sometimes this craving couldn’t be adequately met for him which I think represents the sadness.
He misses your family a lot and does watch over you often. Do you have a son? Because I’m seeing a young boy he often spends a lot of time and he adores to teach him things, if this is your son you might find that he knows a lot of things that you often wonder where he would have learned them from.

My brother did love cars, have a red sports car, and send someone a text that night that he just needed to sleep and he’d feel better in the morning.  Make of it what you will.  No clue about the little boy.

What a crazy night.

just an ordinary day

I am truly grateful that I had to start paying my own way in life before I even graduated high school.  Of course, I could have done without the fear of not being able to walk across the stage with the rest of my class mates because I couldn’t afford my cap and gown.  It prepared me to work hard for the things I want in life.  I often find myself fantasizing about what life would be like if we didn’t have such a massive debt due to my desire to make something better of myself.  Many evenings we go for a walk through the surrounding suburbs and talk about what houses we like, and how we would keep our yard once we got a house.  Its nice to dream, but it’s also depressing at the same time.  Speaking of houses…last week I had gotten so excited because our landlord offered for us to move into a 2 bedroom apartment…one that actually is part of a house vs. a converted shed bungalow which is what we are living in at the moment.  (TERRIBLE insulation since it is literally made out of metal)  But we had to turn him down because we can’t afford the increase in rent.  Not only that, but he is going to have to increase our rent by $200.00/mo. for us just staying where we are.  That’s quite a bummer right as you are expecting a baby, and your income will be decreasing.  In order to make up the $200.00, we are going to have to limit our “allowance”.  At the moment, we each get $40/wk to spend on food, or whatever we may want/need/or do. Being that an average lunch is about $10-12, $40/wk doesn’t go as far as it would in the states.  (When we were in the states we each got $100/mo.)  Since I mostly just save mine anyway, I’ll give mine up completely, which will mean Mat’s will only have to decrease to $30/wk.  I figure since it is my student loan after all, if anyone needs to sacrifice more, it should be me.  We are in the process of working something out with him…and hoping we can settle on something a little less than a 25% increase.  I’m thinking of turning down the 18 week parental leave because I can’t go back to work and get the payments as well, and instead taking the baby bonus.  That will allow me to go back to work as soon as I can since my job has agreed to let me work from home.  I have to continue to bring in the same amount of income post baby as I am pre baby or we won’t make our loan payment goals…parental leave falls about $480/mo. short.  Not to mention I wouldn’t have my commission, which goes directly to our US savings account.  Just another bump in the road…nothing out of the ordinary, and nothing we won’t make it over.

Lately most of the searches for my blog have been something along the lines of “I love my brother” – or just something about loving brothers in one form or another.  It makes my heart smile when I read it.  Sometimes it makes me a bit sad, only because I start to wonder whether or not I ever told my Brother that I loved him enough.  I find myself wondering that quite often.  I was just thinking the other day how he had wanted to come with me to Australia….and I’ve always thought he would LOVE it.  Then the temps hit the mid-high 90′s and I had a bit of a giggle because there’s no way he would live somewhere so hot.  I really miss my brother.  When we found out that the baby was a girl, there was a slight moment of “gender disappointment” no matter how I tried to fight it.  I really wanted our second child to have a big brother.  I suppose it’s my turn to pay it forward and teach my little girl how to be a wonderful big sister someday.  (Hopefully a big sister through adoption because I am in NO hurry to be pregnant again).

I had my second Endocrinologist appointment today.  Last time they increased my meds after the blood test.  I asked about my platelet level that I was told was low when I got my blood work for the Gestational Diabetes test.  The Antenatal clinic had told me they would speak to me about it at my next antenatal appointment, which was three weeks from then.  People are in no hurry in this country when it comes to all things medical.  The Endoc. was unsure why my platelets were low, but she added that, plus a vitamin/folate test to my thyroid blood test.  At least someone is looking into it.

 

one year.

“The day you slipped away

Was the day I found it won’t be the same”

Today is October 9th, 2010.  It is the one year anniversary of my Brother’s death.  I have never known such intense emotional pain in my whole life.  I have never hurt so bad on the inside that I felt like the sound of someone’s voice as they were talking to me was literally hitting my skin hard enough to bruise me.  I think I went straight from shock to denial.  I like denial…it’s not a bad place to be, and I have taken up residency.  I find that if I had to take myself seriously when I say that my Brother is dead, I’d fall apart.  I’d really love to write a long entry on this subject, but to preserve my mental well-being, I will let me video do the talking.

 

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

I am never without it (anywhere I go you go)”

 

:insert clever title here:

I am more than a little happy to report that there are currently no living bugs within my sight.  This weekend the hubs sprayed inside and out to keep those little critters away.  I had enough when I found one of mat’s drawings on the floor…it had little bite marks out of it!  Then I saw the slug juice on the page, and on the carpet right where the paper was.  That was it…I went on a serial bug killing spree and nothing was safe.  I feel much better now.  Let it be a warning to all of you other Australian creatures that wish to cross this threshold: I have had enough, and I will kill you.

This weekend was flawless!!  I am so loving the weather at the moment.  I did exactly what I planned to do…got a pedicure and did absolutely nothing yesterday and today.  It felt GREAT.  I also sent Mat on a late night ice cream run last night which made me feel truly pregnant.  I have been craving food that they don’t have here…like specific restaurants: Sonic, Moe’s, JR’s.  (I think my weight is being saved by the fact that I can’t get any of that here).  But the ice cream was spawn from the little ball of strawberry ice cream in the freezer that must have dripped off and frozen from some long ago ice cream container…it made me think about dippin’ dots, but since they don’t have them here, I had to compromise with regular ole’ ice cream.

Spring is just beautiful no matter where you live.  In our part of Australia, spring means the Magpies start swooping.  The birds will literally swoop your head if you come too close to their nest.  People will put those plastic zip ties poking out of their bike helmets to keep them from swooping while they ride by.  They look hilarious…but since it isn’t quite so funny to get swooped, I suppose you do what you have to.

We’ve started practicing for our next dance performance…I believe it is on October 16th, so we don’t have much time.  I am really excited to do it, but it means staying until 10pm at the studio to get a practice in after our lessons.  I am sure it will all be worth it in the end though  I’ll post a video, if I can find someone to tape it for us.

Amazing how a year can bring so many changes, but still feel somewhat the same.  This time last year we were preparing for our performance at the P’Tree Ball.  We were also preparing to go to my parent’s for my Brother’s birthday.  This year, we are still preparing for a performance, and my Brother’s birthday.  It had been my plan to get a memorial tattoo on his birthday.  I’ve had the tattoo picked out for so long, it was a simple outline of a dove.  Two glass birds were one of my Brother’s prized processions that his roommate said he always took with him no matter where he lived.  They now live in my kitchen window…and they will go with me everywhere I go.  But…I don’t think a tattoo is an option at the moment.  Not to mention the fact that I don’t really think he was a fan of them.  So instead, I intend to simply bake him a cake and sing Happy Birthday to him, and let him know that I won’t forget him.

two glass birds..one red, one blue.

“Do you love me”, he asked…”with all your heart?”
“Most of it…” I replied.
In his typical sarcastic yelling he exclaimed, “WHO IS HE?!?!”
“My Brother”, I said.

There’s a huge hole in my heart that will always belong to my Brother. As time goes by, I keep expecting it to get easier, but I suppose it never does. Lately it seems like it was only yesterday….it only takes a scene on a TV show, a song, or a comment to bring me to tears again. Mom says she thinks that I was in denial and never got the chance to grieve. Maybe that’s true. I stepped up to take care of all of his business because I just couldn’t stand to see my mom or grandparents go through any more pain…and to me, it kept me busy without having to deal with it. Perhaps now that it’s all over, my mind has finally wrapped itself around the fact that he isn’t just at home in another state (or country at the moment), and he isn’t coming back.

I find life’s ability to totally change course in a matter of seconds impossible to grasp. In the blink of an eye you can lose someone, your life, your job, your home, your ability to breathe, walk, talk, or function on your own. In the same amount of time, someone can ask you to marry them, you could get a promotion, win the lottery, find out you’re pregnant…life truly is just a sophisticated game of roulette. I try to remind myself to be grateful for the things I have, remember that the negative things can quickly change into positives, and to just be present in the moment because it’s the only moment that you’re guaranteed.

At the moment, my career is my chip on the roulette table. Somedays I am confident in my ability to run my business…others I am contemplating getting a job at the bank or somewhere just to have a steady income. I don’t really know where I will be from one day to the next. Luckily, I know that I have a husband that will support me no matter what decisions I make.

I’m not busy over the weekend…so I’ll work on finding something Aussie to report back on.